bluemist in love

I painted the town red.

Sometimes I wish life were as passive as television or other forms of media. In other words, I wish I were like an anime character, where I belong in this predetermined world, my entire self pre-drawn in paper or LCD screen, my personality already set, and my entire life is laid on me. I would merely be a puppet, utter my dialogue and act the way my script works. Of course, life isn’t as passive as that. I would reach the end, but there’s always a replay function, for watching the anime all over again.

Or maybe I wish life were as interactive as a game. In other words, I wish I were like a bishoujo game male lead, where I belong in this predetermined world, my entire self pre-drawn in a computer screen, my personality kinda set, and my entire life is just a bunch of branching paths. I would merely be a decision maker, utter my dialogue, act the way my script works, and make a decision when necessary. I will reach one of my endings, but there’s always a reset function, for playing the game all over again.

Alas, life isn’t like that.

I am a normal human being, in this predetermined but constantly changing world, my entire self pre-made by me. I would be completely unbound, utter whatever’s on my mind, act the way I want to be, and be myself all the time. There is no replay and no reset, because I am bound by time. I will get older and older, until I die, and all my actions will remain in the history books.

I am trapped by fate. Whatever I did in the past, it would haunt me for better or for worse, and now it haunted me in the worst way so far, because… believe it or not… I fell in love… “again”.

My first so-called ‘love-life’ was a nullity. It is the equivalent of a bishoujo game with a (ghey) bad ending, where I don’t get the girl. Nevertheless, she is so sweet as far as I can remember, and we shared some moments I could treasure forever, I don’t know about her though. If I had a little more courage that time, life would have been so much different now. It is one of those pivotal moments in time, and alas, I didn’t get the end result that I wished for.

And now here I am again, falling for someone whom I can only categorize as a real-life walking tsundere meganekko. Hmm, ‘categorize’ eh? Stepping into my fantasies again? Life is not a passive nor interactive affair. It’s a constantly active stream of events that is having an enormous effect on the very fabric of my self. And I’m not happy with what is unfolding right now.

I’m probably going to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Uttering wrong words, doing unwise actions, and making wrong decisions. If I may well so categorize, I’m probably Shinji. An introvert coward. I don’t want to be like that, so I try to make myself better everyday. Over the years I may have improved, with me being able to graduate, having a semi-decent job and travelling in no less than the country of my current fetishes (Japan), but when it comes to this, my resolve remains a mystery. I never would have imagined love would find my way here to haunt me again, of all places. She’s not Japanese even, and out of a hundred million people here, in that small dot percentage of gaijin, she was there, and I saw her, and…

Here I am, thinking about this for weeks now. I throw pointless tantrums sometimes at a certain IRC channel, and am unable to blog, much less watch many anime. Kanon is kinda lonely too nowadays, NANA and Death Note all the more lonelier, and I could only find some refuge at the humor of Hidamari Sketch. But when all the videos end, I lay down on my bed and think about love again. It’s inescapable. It’s freaking February. St. Valentine’s Day is coming. The pivotal events await me again.

All this time I was writing about the loneliness of all this, why am I not touching on the good things? These past weeks have been some of the happiest moments of my loneliness, and it’s starting to be positive. I feel much better about myself than the first time I went though this, and I feel like I can get a chance this time. She is a wonderful person, and I really would wish my hunch was right that she is dere-dere for me. This is really exciting stuff, way way beyond what anime and bishoujo games could deliver. I am happy, very happy, despite the somber theme of this blog post, I input a bit of sarcasm on everything after all. So this is how it feels to fall in love all over again.

And so the moments are near.

Every uttered word, every action, and every decision.