Ronery

Being alone in life does have some benefits. No one would annoy you and avoid you from getting your work done and done well. No one would be needing your attention at many time periods of the day. No one will nag at you. No one will seemingly be a liability for you. No one will spend your own hard-earned money. No one will call you every night, removing your chance of a good night’s sleep. No one will be your rival in case there would be a third party in your relationship.
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Losing Japanese

It’s been half a year since I came back to my homeland after the one-year stint in Japan, and I can say that I lost the memories too easily. I guess there is really no place like home, but still there are some things to think about. Like, was the whole year exposure to Japan worth it? Did I fulfill all my wants, needs, and err fetishes? Also, would I want to go back? These are some of the things that bug me everyday ever since.

I’m still working in the same company that brought me there, and so there is still a minimal need to speak and understand basic Japanese. I also tried the JLPT Level 4 (results pending) to see if Konata-style test cramming and general anime viewing works in a language test. Despite that, the best language learning style aside from formal education is really by experience. You have to be in Japanese areas and talking to Japanese people. I can say that I lost some of my knowledge indeed. Today I tend to get fansubbed stuff more than raws, and even if I watch the raws, I would still watch the subbed ones to confirm minute details. On one hand, I could say that I’m getting more meticulous in learning the spoken language by repeating what I have heard, but on the other hand, I was frustrated to discover that even I am struggling to understand dialogue on simple-dialogue shows like Clannad. What more if I go into complex-dialogued anime? Even worse is my ability to read kana and the few kanji I know. I feel so much ‘slower’ today in comparison. I remember every night I turn the TV on and tune to primetime Japanese shows. They have LOADS of text on-screen. It was fun to try to read those quick text, especially when my forte was in hiragana (simple Japanese alphabet) rather than katakana (alphabet for foreign-borrowed words) which is an unusual case for most people I know. Well I read less of them of course, but imagine the pain of inching my way through untranslated Shugo Chara manga. A minute for two pages is a very very turtles pace. Never mind the kanji. JLPT required me to memorize 100 of them. After the test… I basically forgot them all. Give me a pat in the back if I pass it ok?

Life in Japan is certainly hard, but if you have high ambitions to embrace its culture, I think you’ll do fine. Well, at the very least do it in moderation, especially if you are into anime and stuff like that. Remember, despite the Densha Otoko boom and the mainstream popularity of anime and manga elsewhere in the world, any otaku-ish tendency is really frowned upon among the majority of Japanese. On the positive side, being in Japan, you would discover things that are possibly way more interesting than your lolis and animu. Come on, you are in another country! See the sights, go to nice places, meet interesting people. There’s so many stuff to do over there, and even I haven’t broken out of the Kantou or Kanagawa regions yet. It’s so easy to go places, most anything is just a train ride away. If you’re out to live in Japan doing the hikki, otaku or any similar way you’re clearly wasting your time, and life. If that’s really your drift though, let me tell you that Japanese are more likely to ignore a gaijin anyway, so mind your own business as they really are minding their own too. It’s an interesting culture that embraces social interaction and politeness yet at the end of the day they basically don’t care about people who are strangers to them. It is an extreme reverse of our own “bayanihan” (good samaritan-like) culture in my country, and is an interesting thing to notice.

Whenever I ride a train in Japan I have practically no one to talk to. It’s not just the language barrier that hinders me, but of course even a Japanese won’t talk to a stranger Japanese unless weird situations happen. Here in the Philippines though, everyday commute is a busy and social experience, from the random cab driver talking crap about politics to you while listening to the radio, to fellow commuters who always seem to ask questions to other commuters when they don’t know where to go. After a year of gloomy air outside my workplace it feels rather refreshing to interact with a lot of people when I came back home. Of course, maybe my faint tunnel-visioned view on social Japan is too uninformed, but the experience was really different for me.

Well, weird situations do happen though. One time I was commuting in a train at night when one ‘very drunk’ middle-aged man… well… started to pu*e inside the freaking train! If it continues on it would be a smelly mess inside the cramped and crowded room. Thankfully some old-aged grandma helped the guy while a teenage girl gave her paper bag to do the thing. I understood their conversation a bit, and even though it wasn’t their stop the grandma escorted the man outside the train when it stopped at the next station. Why is this rare? I’ve seen other drunk people having a hard time holding it in, and other bystanders merely just give them space… yep, they run away. Even if they have plastic or paper bags. Even me. I ran away. I wouldn’t, and other people wouldn’t, if we were in the same situation but in a different country. I can gladly say this is one example when losing a Japanese quirk can be a positive thing. Who would want to be anti-social? Sometimes I wonder why they look down on their own lowlifes or otakus when in hindsight they are essentially the same anti-social being on certain situations. Again, this is a very tunnel-visioned opinion based on experiences and it doesn’t necessarily show the whole picture to me, so if I’m wrong about social Japan, sorry, and please correct me.

Sometimes being a gaijin in foreign land can have some advantages. Since we are more clueless than their own clueless people they can be more courteous sometimes. Sometimes I ask directions from the police, and they were so polite trying to hard to understand my broken Japanese speech. Sales persons are so attentive whenever I browse their products and ask questions. Ok, maybe it is not biased at all towards foreigners, service folk in Japan may be really good, but that’s where the difference lies. I miss that kind of service. Here in my country, sales persons are so lame. sometimes they can’t even sell their products right. There is a very notorious local tech shop here where the salesladies don’t even know the products they are selling. It’s horrible service… even if some of them are cute (lol). Also, some police here are control freaks, and their arrogance gets to be mile-high. You can’t rely on them too much on mere asking of directions (that’s why we do it on our own common folk). I certainly like the way sellers take my money away due to impulse buying because they really know how to market their stuff. Having a reliable policeman around would be very helpful too, which adds to the general peacefulness of Japan.

Ahh, peace and quiet. While socializing is okay, there can be times when you want to isolate and refresh yourself. Japan’s the perfect place for that. Even in noisy cities, there is an air of peace and prosperity such that you feel like nothing ever goes wrong. While there are rare crimes like any other country, Japan is very, very, very peaceful. I could go most anywhere without fear of robbers or stuff like that. Again, this might be tunnel-visioning, because I don’t go to every street corner on the map. Anime and drama may depict yakuza or biker gangs or violent youths, but I don’t see those often. In any case, when compared to my country the difference would be very vast. When you come down to it, this is a dangerous country, and I always have a sense of paranoia. I have ipods and cellphones which are thief magnets, so I hide them from plain view often. And I have my share of near misses coming from other people around me getting robbed and such. Again, it would depend on the viewpoint. A foreigner coming to our country may regard it as fairly safe in the same way I regard Japan as perfectly safe… mostly because we are going only to popular and usual places.

Finally, there’s the animu. Admittedly, because of the busy life I lead over there in Japan, rarely do I give my fandom some refreshments, aside from the almost weekly Akiba trip. I rarely watch anime, and tune in to TV shows like some mainstream prick. I didn’t buy a lot of Akiba goods, and some of those I even sold to other people by now. Basically, I didn’t go all-anime frantic. Back at home though, I have lots more free time, and started to eat anime like crazy. I’m actually lagging in blogging anime reviews because I finished a lot of them lately. If I may so summarize some of them in one word:

Lucky Star: Fansservice.
Gurren Lagann: Epic.
Genshiken 2: Ogiue
To Heart 2 OVA: Ma-ryan!
Hitohira: Surprise!
Minami-ke: Azumangashimaro
Nanoha StrikerS: Lolis?
Lovely Complex: Nandeyanen?
Da Capo II: Zzzzz
School Days: Niceboat
5cm: Awww
Nana: NANA!

Hayate no Gotoku: Spoof-fest
Shugo Chara: Unlock!
Clannad: Kyou!
ef: WOW
Myself, Yourself: Backlogged
You’re Under Arrest: Nostalgia
Winter Anime: LAAAME

While I am lacking in the Japanese gaming area (bishoujo blood not boiling yet), the past few months have been relatively fine. Consider the fact that I was so into gaming last year (it was an awesome year for PC games), having equally enjoyable anime time has been wonderful.

And so we go to today, having lost a bit of Japanese within me, and yet gaining memories of those times, some wonderful, some sad. Would I want to go back? ABSOLUTELY! Why not? It has been a very fruitful year, and a very transitional half-year after that. I hope you got a little glimpse of Japan through my tunnel-vision, and maybe you could share your own experiences too.

Dear Kagami

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Dear Kagami,

I know you’re probably there, reading my whole alternate life. I know you can be so smart sometimes. That was one of the things I liked about you.

I’m not sure either why I’m writing this, you are probably not reading this anyway after the initial shock of realizing my alter-ego. Yes, this may be a weird hobby, especially to you, a well-bred, well-educated person mindful of things that really matter in life. But this is how I deal with the circumstances. My self-preservation. My fallback. When I met you, I was almost about to quit this, because I have found new inspiration. Of course, the odds were close to none and I knew that all along. It was all me, this one-sided, unrequited feeling.

You may not know but I was happy, even if I was rejected. But I should ask, why did you change after that? Why did I suddenly feel like I lost a friend? You promised, you ‘swore’ to be normal. You were not. I was trying my best here, to the point I closed my heart completely just to keep hush on the situations, leaving it like it never happened. You saw me smile, laugh, and talk to you just like before. But I saw your eyes never wander towards me anymore. You wouldn’t even talk to me unless situations demand. Tell me who was wrong. Was it me who just wanted to say how I felt… and nothing more? I wasn’t wrong, or I don’t know where I was wrong.

But I can’t blame you, I can’t say you were wrong, I can’t be angry at you, I can’t even know your real side. In fact, I shouldn’t care anymore. By the end of this writing, any feelings I have left for you would have gone. I think that should leave you satisfied right? We go our separate ways, as it may have always been. My sails have been cast in a different direction. People might say I am a weakling, a wuss, a loser for expressing this indirectly through this writing, but if they only knew how hard I tried to make things normal. If you only knew how hard I tried to make things normal. I should consider that my shining moment.

Whatever things I can be sorry about… I apologize for that. But I won’t apologize for my feelings. Those were real. Nothing moe~ can ever replace it.

Project Japan

Since this is more or less confirmed already, might as well say it.

I’m going to Japan.

I’m going to Japan for training in my work, and I am going to be stuck there for about a year. While this may be no big deal to others, to me it is. In a way, this will radically change the way I live, and in effect, this anime blog of mine might render a lot of changes in the near future.

First and foremost, I really do hope that I will not stop blogging anime and related stuff. But getting nearer my points of interest does not necessarily mean that I’ll experience more. It is rather obvious that any kind of otaku behavior in Japan would be looked down upon by other people. While I don’t consider myself one, I am ‘dangerously’ close, particularly my certain likehood for bishoujo games. I shouldn’t put my real-life work in jeopardy, although reportedly my company there is rather open-minded when it comes to these things. The fact that I was allowed to work in Japan is already even too kind for them. If they don’t care that I’m a foreigner, the more they don’t care what my hobbies are.

I also have lots of things to consider. Would I be able to watch those late-night anime? Would I muster courage to buy stuff since I don’t know 95% of the language? Japan is the dream of many-an anime fan, but facing reality is a nightmare. Especially the ‘price’ of entertainment. I would break-even with my allowance using it for food alone. No moyism for me.

Am I thinking so negatively about this? Well heck I’ll look at the bright side now… I’M IN FREAKING JAPAN! Entertainment heaven! Technology! Sights! Sounds! Hot springs! Mountains! Amusement parks! Shopping! (Girls!) WOW! Let me tell this from a 3rd world perspective. To go to a 1st world country is nothing short of AWESOME. I’ll stop now before this becomes mere bragging.

So what’s the future of this blog? Well, since I will leave my entire fansub collection back home, I only have the space to carry [Da Capo II->summer-of-bishoujo] and [Ojamajo Doremi->] along with me. Those projects should remain active. Hopefully I will have internet in my apartment so I can build some new collection to enjoy. First I need a laptop…

And so that’s it, life goes on. Apologies for holding it in for so long, since I wasn’t sure of this a few weeks back. I’ve been preparing for this recently and that’s why I took a break. Plus my birthday is drawing near and all. I would certainly love to be back in the scene again, so please come back for more. I’ll be back when I get things settled.

Thanks for your continued support.

the search for a reason to live

Sometimes I lay down in bed, asking myself, “what on earth am I here for?”. Obviously I don’t normally read books, and so I wouldn’t be inspired even if I read something like The Purpose Driven Life. And so I would ask myself this question, over and over, without completely clearing it all up in my head.

I know there must be some other reason to live, aside from myself or my loved ones. There should be. Sometimes I feel empty, as if all the things I do are pointless.

When thinking about “the reason to live is for myself”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. You know, as if I am nothing, I can just let my time stop, think about nothing, and make myself useless in an instant. And for all I care, I don’t care what happens to me, really. As if there would be no reason to live. As if I don’t need myself to live at all.

When thinking about “the reason to live is for others”, I wouldn’t know if it is really of any use. The only possible reason is for ‘repay’. I would need to repay my parents the equivalent happiness that they gave me. But really, do I need to repay? I’m just deciding it all by myself, trying to equalize happiness to happiness. But they could ‘not need’ my happiness. They can get it from others right?

Thinking about it, it seems that everything I do with my life is useless.

No I’m not suicidal over here, I am again thinking about things without any emotions. Right now, as I type my mind and convert them into words, I feel neither happiness nor sadness. Yet another out-of-body experience, as if I’m looking at myself in third person.

So, I ask again, what the hell am I here for?

I would also want to question God lately. Or maybe I would rather question the religion I belong in. No really, with all these disasters and whatnot, it really seems as if we are relying on God too much, and in a very subtle but dangerous way, slowly losing faith on him.

Example. When I was young, I have never heard of a person that says, “God sometimes gets angry” whenever we meet a disaster or something like that. In a mild, indirect way, people say that “God is testing our faith”. But nowadays, and more than ever evident today because of the tsunami disaster, people would say, “God got angry at us”. And more worse is, “There is no God”.

I have said it before and I will say it again: are we losing our faith? Faith in God? Faith in ourselves? Which faith are we losing? Or do we not have that faith in the first place? After all these questions that never get any answers, the next question would be the same thing I’m asking right now, “what the hell am I here for?”

In desperate search for an answer, which I know may not exist in this lifetime, I merely reflect… and forget. Seemingly running away isn’t it? Let me create a scenario why I think sometimes everything I do in my life is useless.

What if suddenly I got tired of my life? I just wanna stop. I didn’t mean dying, just stop… growing up. Stop trying to study lessons which I now think as stupid. Stop watching shows and entertaining myself. Stop learning about the basic essentials that would be useful when I grow up. In other words… what if suddenly I don’t wanna grow up anymore? So now I have no possibility of graduating and getting a job. But what is it for? I only get money from a job. What else? The basic needs of a human are food, clothing, shelter. I can get those easily from everyone I know. Now I’ve become a parasite for the rest of my life. Now, finally, it really seems that everything I do with my life is useless. Because I can basically depend on others in order to live. The rest of my life, I will live like this. End of scenario.

Please so find a loophole in that scenario, because there are none that could be possibly thought of. You, the reader, may think that scenario will not work because someday there would be no one to depend on. I say no, even complete strangers could be depended on. The scenario, me in that scenario, can continue to live without growing up, merely taking in basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), never having to worry about studies, jobs, anything else.

Wow. I just created the perfect scenario for the lazy guy, some failure guy who never really liked what he is doing right now, whatever he is doing. He can just stop.

I want to contradict my own scenario creation, but I can’t. The reality of life is that there are too many ways to live. In fact, in every person born also born is a way or path to life. No two paths could ever be created equal, unless God desires it to be. But the limits of the human mind, my mind, couldn’t think of a path of life identical to another. My scenario can still be divided into multiple posibility life paths. For example, if a person abides by my scenario, he may die easily, because there is a chance that no one stranger would be taking him in, giving him the basic needs of a human. In another life patch, a person may be lucky enough to follow my scenario and live with the basic needs of a human, after being adopted by a sort-of Good Samaritan. In fact, my scenario, a variation of it, may be lived by a person right this very moment. Someone who just lost it, his reason to live.

Am I veering away from the subject? Inserting faith, religion, human needs… etc? I hope you would still bear with me. I hope you, the reader, are still reading this article. You can quit reading and hell I care.

And so, is there really a need to find a reason to live, when in life you can render yourself worthless, useless, and yet still live? Some humans have their pride.

Is it for themselves? Some people want to be successful in life. But really, what does success mean? Especially in these desperate times? Nowadays, it doesn’t matter if you are a movie star or just some bum in the street. Basic rule in life: everybody is equal. You can be a movie star and be unlucky enough to die in a vacation resort due to a tsunami. You can also be a bum in the street and be lucky enough to find out that people are giving help to you everyday in terms of giving you food or clothing. Everybody is equal. And so, why do people still strive to find a reason to live?

Is it for others? Again, I said that other people can find their happiness with other people. It doesn’t necessarily need to come from that person who lost their way.

And so I find myself running around in a circle. Well, I will try to break this circle right now.

But really, the only way to break the circle is NOT thinking about it anymore. So I will shut up now…

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No seriously. I started something, and it should end with me too. So let’s find the real answer. I don’t know if I can find the real answer as I think and type these words randomly, but please do share the experience with me. Maybe it will be life changing for you, maybe you’ll find this article too corny or pointless. Again I say, people are different. As for me, don’t worry, really. These are mere thoughts to me.

First and foremost, let’s start with God. God created us, and so we ask a basic question, “Why?”. Why did He create us? Let’s make that question complex… why did He create us to live in this world? Now let’s make that question a little more morbid. Why did He create us to suffer? Obviously, we won’t know the answer, in all of our lifetimes. We can’t even reach God normally. Only in miracles and extreme faith do God exist in our senses. But technically He always exists in our hearts, right? In this way, God makes us feel… happy that we are alive, even if we don’t know his ultimate reason or purpose for giving us our lives. Happiness is the keyword.

Now, we look into ourselves. What makes us happy? Money? Power? Love? Basic needs of humans? No really, so I need to ask? Maybe the question answers itself. The reason why we search for a reason or purpose to live, is because it makes us happy, whatever reason it is. Well, happiness is the keyword again.

Finally, we look into our loved ones. There may be no reason or purpose to equalize the happiness they bring to us, but we just do. We give happiness to them because in effect it makes us happy as well. Again, happiness is the keyword.

What does this analysis entail? The reason or purpose of life… is to be happy. And at last, I hope to answer the question:

What on earth am I here for?
– To be happy that God is here for us.
– To be happy in my own life.
– To express and give that happiness to others.

Am I satisfied with that answer? Maybe, for now. Life has plenty of time, and possibilities. And so maybe sooner or later I can find a better answer to that question.

What do I get from answering a question? Simple. How to apply what I have learned in life itself.

But that, again, is a question in itself.

Really, life is seemingly in circles.

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