Dear Kagami 0.5: Hourou Otoko

Roses are red, violets are blue, onna no kotte, nande dekiteru?

As I was browsing through my old archives I found a couple of interesting unpublished self-retrospect blog posts about the… “love” I once had. I was in love with this tsundere meganekko girl (that’s how I mention her in animu terms), but got rejected, and that led to my [Dear Kagami->] blog post about my rejection. I realized that I used to really write well whether with happy or sad feelings. The first article was about trying to realize if I was really in love, then the second one was a few weeks after my confession, when it all fell apart. ;_;

All of this was four years ago. It seemed to feel like a long time, but it was just that few years ago. I’ve never been in contact with tsundere meganekko since. I’m pretty sure she has a good life right now. She was the closest I ever had to have someone to love, and so I regard that experience as a very valuable lesson. Somehow, that lesson got lost in me time and time again because I never felt as mature now than that four years ago. I hope with this I would take a slap at myself in the face and move forward to better things in life. This is not an April Fool’s post mind you, but somehow I am really taking a troll on “myself” with this hahaha. Oh how nostalgic. I need more of my [sentimental vocaloid music->vocaloid-for-valentines-2].

Here are the two articles in the order of before-after.

I don’t know if I’m in love.

Is it just because of the season? The constant hearing of love songs? The seeing of couples all around? The envy in my heart? Do I find my usual sadness then unnatural now? All this time, I thought I was strong. I did not want to go the usual paths. I did not want to fall in love. But it seems that I’m just running from responsibility.

Responsibility that means one will never be alone from now on. One would have to look out for yet another person. The person will intrude into one’s life, breaking your solitary comfort zone. One will meet the new friends, new family, of which one may or may not be welcome in their houses. Others may accept, but others might reject. One would have to share your life with yet another person. Giving gifts, giving food and drink, giving time. One would give more effort in every single thing one would do just to please. One would change just to adapt. One would give way just to offer freedom.

But such freedom is fake. Now the chains of love bind. A chain so strong it may hurt. But when one is chained one never would want to be set free, because then one would be back to the solitary comfort zone, except be even lonelier than before. One would try to endure the pain that comes with the pleasure. Because love is the feeling of loneliness and happiness, the balance of which is up to the person.

What is my balance of love then? Am I lonely now? Am I happy now? I think I am lonely because I am happy. Loneliness is my fear of being rejected. Because I am different, because I don’t go the usual paths. I may not be accepted, I may not be understood. I may be judged, I may be discriminated.

And yet I am happy, because I can look into your eyes, your smile, your expressions, and be able to say that you are the most wonderful person I have ever met. And still I don’t even know half of you.

If only I never felt the loneliness of happiness. If only I could deem myself worthy of falling for you. If only I could turn back time to make every moment last. Everyday I think about how I can face you. How should I look, how should I act. Every good word should be uttered, every movement should be calculated, every act should be right, just to make a good impression. Perhaps this is paranoia, perhaps this is pretention. But all I have is good intent, an intent to set myself straight. I have problems besides love, but because of love itself, I may be able to heal them all.

Perhaps this is really love I’m feeling, but do you feel the same way? It’s as simple as “yes” and “no” but can be as complex as “maybe” and “in due time”. I hoped it was just polar, just black and white. Perfection or nothingness. But I belong to an imperfect world.

There is no escape.

She doesn’t like me… period. I didn’t even need to be told, mere words were enough. And she doesn’t regret hurting me. Her resolve is firm. She wants to forget everything that I said. She wants to forget my feelings for her. And then she swore that she’ll stay the same, be the normal person that I saw before.

But she is not. She betrayed me, by not being able to be her friend again. Casual conversations were difficult, and it was so hard to hide these inner pains from other friends. She clearly wants to avoid me, to hang me off-balance, all the while still smiling the same way, as if my feelings didn’t exist. I thought it would be fine that way… but not only do my feelings not exist… I didn’t exist. In her world, there is no me. She built a shield I cannot penetrate. A tower I cannot climb. And it slowly pains me to realize that things will never be the same again.

Why is this the curse of falling in love when the other person doesn’t feel the same way? So many rejected people are lying when they say that they are happy as long as the person they love is happy. They are not happy. Somewhere within their feelings the yearning for more still exists. It’s undeniable. So what if they can’t get over it? They continue to drown in their own deep waters. I would want to ask the same question myself. What if I still love her? What is there left for me when it is really impossible to make her even listen to my heart?

There is only my wish to forget. If time cannot be bent, let me just forget about all this. But how do I forget? How could I forget? I poured everything into this. My entire past… almost erased… because I have found a new outlook in life because of this love. I was willing to change, be my very best, because finally I had found the person who can change me.

Now I am back to my loneliness, except lonelier than before. For so many years, after my first love had gone astray as well, I’ve shut my heart away so it doesn’t hurt me. But she… she accidentally opened the door, without reason, without fail. Now my heart hurts me because she just won’t budge. She won’t look inside my heart. And I can’t close the door. I will always see myself suffer. I don’t know when I can get over this again.

Tell me, Lord, if this is punishment for all my sins. All my lies, my immaturity, my pretentions, my lack of faith in You. How do I repent? If this is your way of testing me, how to I look now? Am I not worthy any longer? Because I’m wallowing in my own grave alive? You have given me a very important lesson, but I don’t know if I am learning from this very well.

And so I am unable to move. Nothing feels real. Nothing will help me anymore. I feel hated, by the same person I love. I hate myself as well. I don’t see any end to this. I could only hope, in some way, this will end. Whatever it takes. How much more could I take? I have nothing now. I lost everything, I shouldn’t feel any different anymore.