Revision Episode 2: between a rock, a hard place, and a bump in the road with an emerging landslide

This is required of me. I feel like my mind is gonna explode with all the confusion, I need to throw it all up somewhere. Not exactly though. As always I tend to keep a sense of vagueness when I tell about personal problems. But if anything, you could clearly see that, through me not updating this blog, time just gets the toll out of me yet again. This time though, it has never been such an opportune, worse time than this… ever.

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock, a hard place, and a bump in the road with an emerging landslide. I don’t know if the culmination of factors lead me to this, or if it’s just my fault that I had gone into this mess that I’m in. The sure thing is that I am in a mess that would forever change my life, and there is no such option as turning back.

Maybe part of the reason why I can’t seem to solve my problems is that I think the world may be ending soon. I’m crazy enough to draw parallels in that natural disasters are the hand of God, and the terrorists are the devil. I’m crazy enough to think that God is now directly talking to us. I am but a sinner, and the problems I face seem to be a direct sign that God is trying to communicate to me. He is actually trying to talk me into it, to somehow try to find inspiration for me to go on, try my best to solve all my problems.

Moreover, lately I recall a lot of dreams of mine leading to that effect. Maybe it’s just my irregular sleeping habit, but hey, there is really something mystical in my midst, and I can never ever deny it anymore. I think with all the world’s problems coming as if in rapid succession, don’t you think it’s about time to bend a bit of our conservative reality, and seek divine mercy because it seems to be out there already? Think about it.

But that’s not the main issue, they are just personal signs of mine that I interpret as God’s message to me. I pray everyday, I pride myself in having the slightest bit of faith even with my atheistic doubts. But I know, when it comes to my problems, praying is not enough. Praying without working is like begging. As if you want yourself to be spoon-fed. This is how I really feel. It’s not as if I’m not doing anything about my problems though, it’s just that I really feel… hopeless. When time is against me, it’s really that hopeless.

And yet, with all the hopelessness, I still am the same poor actor. I can’t cry. I can’t be sad. I am emotionless. I worry but it doesn’t even show on my face. I don’t know if that is a good thing or bad thing, but that’s the way it is. It seems like that preemptive reaction to hopelessness, that I tend to befriend the will of the wind, the dictate of the waves, and just flow around helplessly.

I really have changed. Somehow I got rid of some bad habits of mine, as well as lower down on some worthless things that used to infect my mind and body as fast as the flu. Yet the signs point out to me that it is not enough to solve my current trials. Moreso time would tell me that it is too late for me to do so because the damage has been done already. Indeed, the damage was fierce like a quake. Somehow I still stood up amidst the rubble, but when I looked at the utter destruction around me, I stop and wondered why I was still left alive.

Rest assured though that even if I typed in paragraphs upon paragraphs of problems and hopelessness above, I am still very much alive and kicking. As I said, I am emotionless, and other that worrying, it really can’t affect me one bit. It’s a gray-area loophole in these events, and I’m thankful enough that God gave me… or should I say… didn’t give me the sense of ‘feeling’. This is a different spin on the saying “Ignorance is bliss.” I don’t ignore my problems. I just can’t be sad about it. Sometimes though, I envy people who do. Because of this feeling of rejection, they somehow find the light at the end of the tunnel. Me? I’m just this living doll who accepts life’s data and merely keeps things “noted”, however good or bad it is. In effect, feedback and control is painfully slow, and oftentimes, too late.

In light of this, I discovered one thing about myself. I am a perfectionist. I want all things right, even if all signs point to no. Well, I hope it helps me on staying positive about all kinds of matters. After all, whenever I see myself stuck between a rock, a hard place, and a bump in the road with an emerging landslide, I always seem to escape unscathed. It’s weird, and sad, but true.

October 12, 2005